Having reduced my life to its bare minimum these last few years, I have talked a quite a bit about the spaciousness that has opened up, and my struggles and resistance to settling into that space and quiet. In some ways it is so much easier and more entertaining to lunge from one drama to the next!
Almost everything that is ‘unnecessary’ has been shed, not really on purpose, it has just happened naturally as I have become more kind to myself…so things like worrying and over thinking are mostly gone, money problems, self hate, quite a few people, most unhealthy foods and habits. Quite a few close companions have died this year too, my lovely dog, and my dear friends T and G. My son has moved out and one of my closest friendships ended too. I acknowledge this has been hard, as they constituted my support system, which I am having to fill in for myself. And now a massive big space. I haven’t got a clue what will become of it.
I have a sense that the ground is being prepared in some way, that something is gestating inside. I don’t want to be reactive and take something on that I can’t follow through on. Ideas have bubbled up, going back to complete the next stage of the psychotherapy qualification, becoming a volunteer and visiting lonely old people locally…I am not quite ready to make a decision or commitment of time yet though. Still too deep in the process and my energy levels fluctuate between medium and fairly low. I have been asking the universe about how I can best give to others, what I can do to help the world…And then I got an answer yesterday.
After I wrote my entry in here, the 10 year old daughter of the Polish cleaner arrived with her pencils and pad. I thought she was just going to sit quietly drawing in the next room for a few hours while her mum was busy cleaning next door and here. But no, she wanted to hang out and chat. Wow,okay. Now I know what I am doing today. I joined her in the living room and she came and sat beside me and we just hung out totally relaxed for hours and hours and got into some quite amazing sharing. Part of the chat was a game I have of choosing a card at random that asks searching questions. She shared some quite personal stuff about her dad’s behaviour towards her and I shared openly too. Then we went to the woods in wellies and had a fun walk, talked to the horses, and had a burger. It was such fun.
So spontaneous things like that only happen when there is space for them to happen. I get a chance to be a trusted adult to a 10 year old, what an honour. I did what I could to empower and encourage her, in a light way. She had done a portrait of me as a thank you for buying her pencils last week, here it is!