A whole weekend lies ahead and I have just about nothing planned, other than enjoying freedom and spending quality time. Fabulous!
Generating goodwill towards myself has been an important ‘project’ over the last couple of years here, involving noticing my habits of self hatred and self rejection and developing new healthy compassionate and kind habits. Even as I write this, the ‘inner critic’ is judging away, ‘how self indulgent are you, always talking about yourself!’. And that is fine. I will focus on developing self kindness consciously till it becomes my instinct and I no longer have to think about it. This is happening already I have noticed in some areas.
Allowing greater levels of health, wealth and happiness into my life has taken me into new territory. It is a very unfamiliar land and I often feel unsafe in it, and waves of anxiety flush over me regularly. I don’t know where this is taking me!
I take steps often to reassure and ground myself, and reset my balance. Here are a few small actions of self kindness from the last couple of days. I realise many actions in the lists I have written before, but the repetition itself helps these actions to become second nature.
- a walk by the river enjoying the exercise, the beauty, fresh air and birdsong
- putting my hand on my heart and saying ‘May I be safe, May I be well, May I be at ease, May I be happy’
- I bought a bunch of colourful flowers which are now in a vase in the hall
- I have numerous scented candles on around the living room right now
- I spent last night on the sofa, to ease the back pain I have been feeling
- I have been cooking healthy low fat, low carb vegetable stir fries for myself the last few days. I am actually enjoying looking after myself by cooking healthy food.
- went swimming
- accepting a compliment and allowing it in though also noticing the part of me that didnt believe it too (it was ‘Susan, you are such a good person’)
- consolidated some finances, paid a few debts to put me in a safer position financially
- listening to soothing uplifting music and having a little solo free dance and have a good stretch for the muscles while I am doing it
- I bought a phone mount for the car to ensure I don’t ever pick up the phone in the car (another risky behaviour I want to eliminate)
- hanging out with a 10 year old for a few hours today
I had been very accustomed to not treating myself very well in quite a few respects. I indulged in unhealthy habits all my life, such as smoking cigarettes. I just did not care about what I was doing to my health. I was comfortable being reckless with my health and happiness. The people I spent most of my time with were also not kind to themselves so the friendships reinforced each other’s unhealthy behaviour and attitudes.
I allowed people to treat me badly too because I didnt feel I ‘deserved’ any better. I ‘forgave’ bad behaviour quickly and allowed it to repeat. It was what I was used to as a child, so it felt normal to accept harshness from others. I got involved romantically with those who had little love to give, which (unconsciously) suited me perfectly as I didnt feel I deserved much love anyway. So no blame, they were an ideal ‘fit’ at the time.
I was in a pretty much permanent state of inner discord because the normal inner goals we all mostly share of having an environment free of conflict, of enjoying good health and being happy were contradicted by my behavior and choices. So I kept doing things and choosing friends that were not consistent with my goals, creating an inner conflict, and further adding to the circle of self loathing and failure. I didnt trust myself either, another uncomfortable state.
So that was my conditioned ‘story’ which determined how good I allowed life to be, and now I am exploring beyond that story. I am writing a new storyline that doesn’t create such inner discord because because it does not contradict the inner goals of safety and happiness.
I am excited to see where this will take my life. Everything is changing so very fast. I also feel scared and alone often too, every day actually! I do not have anyone around me at the moment that I can discuss this and share this process with (apart from you). The nervous system responds to this new story of safety, wellbeing and harmony as if it is in danger. Sounds crazy, and it is a bit. This is what happens when you move away from the familiar, even if that familiar is stressed and unhappy. This is why I do many little actions that soothe that scared part of myself each day. My main reassurance is coming from myself now, not friends or partners.