In sorrow right now with tears flowing and flowing. Yesterday at 4.30pm I took my beloved dog to the vet and held her while she was euthanised. It was time, 3 days of not eating, more vomiting and clearly in considerable discomfort. More tears and more tears. The loss of a dear companion. I miss her. No loving morning greeting this morning, and no getting to return the loving morning greeting. This open giving and receiving of love I have experienced has been such a joy daily for 12 and a half years.
I am just back from my morning swim. It is a beautiful sunny autumn day. I am watching where my thoughts are wanting to take me. I am curious about this experience of grief that I am having. It doesn’t happen very often and I am relatively unfamiliar with it. The thoughts seem to want to fixate on details of the loss, and generate the memories, and actively look for situations I will miss her and present them to me. The thoughts have me imagine what it will be like telling someone I know, and I cry at that thought, their compassion and sympathy. I wonder why that increases the tears.
Right after the vet visit yesterday I did a shopping, just wanted to be occupied. I was in tears as I chose my groceries, not really caring what I was choosing. Happy to be around people I suppose, and anonymously. Then as I am at the checkout I hear a ‘Hello how are you’ oh shit, what do I say? I don’t want to say fine when I am clearly not feeling fine. I say ‘I am sad, I just said goodbye to my dog’ and more tears arrived…I don’t know this person much at all, I felt awkward exposing such vulnerability, and uncomfortable at the awkwardness I imagined they might feel. Well that is just the way it is I thought. He gave me a compassionate understanding nod and said bye.
I wonder why even though I am feeling pain on my own I am having long periods of not crying. Then as soon as someone shows sympathy I am in proper tears. What is that about. I am letting them come but not getting too involved, no need to make each thought into a huge long story of how awful it is. My eyes are raw with the tears and they hurt anyway. If ever there was a time for self compassion is it now. I put my hand gently on my heart and feel the warmth and care this gesture embodies.
Here is the latest from the mysterious anonymous person on Facebook who writes so well.
“Let Go. When your heart is breaking apart with sorrow or when the emptiness is so claustrophobic that you can find no rest – stop. Slow right down and let the flow of life move through you.
Where there is discomfort, relax behind it. You are the space into which all of life flows, including the energy you feel as discomfort. This isn’t a reductive act to belittle your life situation or an attempt to manipulate, change it or make it appear other than what it is – this is what you do when life is presenting you with the raw opportunity to meet yourself as the precious place where life unfolds. This is what you do when wisdom rules.
See how the energies of the mind work as thoughts come, tripping over themselves in quick succession, trying to find a way to solve the disturbance. The mind is only trying to protect you – but it ends up acting like a caged animal, increasing your discomfort. Watch the thoughts bouncing around – replaying, analysing, rationalizing, predicting and weaving the images of your suffering. Stop and notice. Not with the effort to degrade this astonishing dance, just to notice that you are noticing. What is it that observes all this activity? What is it that is aware of the disturbance? What is it, the mind believes it must protect?
These moments are the place where your direct experience of life and your open awareness meet. That awareness is Love. And, this is how life shows you what you really are.
Learn to let go of yourself and keep letting go… It’s alright, you are safe.”