Feeling powerful and vulnerable

I am feeling vulnerable. Feeling alone, not having much direction, and the dog is going to doggy heaven probably this week, or the next.

I feel the exposure to this painful loss drawing closer. I also know I will get through it and it will become part of history, but it is very likely going to be agony. I am having to weigh up her quality of life each week, each day now. I must not keep her alive longer just because I want her here. It is a difficult decision. I am grateful that I have learned about self compassion these last few years, this will help me.

I feel more alone than ever. Not just with the dog situation. I am steering this big ship of a business alone, making the decisions that determine success or failure every day, and I have practically no guides other than myself. I am making big business decisions, ones that lead to small and large failures or successes, and it all depends on me. I am negotiating large deals with very experienced clever clients. I have the responsibility of 10 full time and 2 part time staff.

Most of my life I have been used to depending on a lot of others for advice and input before I make decisions. Now with the ‘old friend cull’, I don’t have many around me at all. I don’t get to have these codependent relationships any more, which are pretty toxic anyway. I now realise that people see themselves anyway, not me. And what they say is largely a reflection of their relationship with themselves.

You could say that I am growing up, and into a position of being my own leader. I lacked the confidence for that before, listened too much to the raging inner doubts and inner critic. How am I managing to succeed with all this I wonder?! After all, I am a very damaged person with many unhealthy coping mechanisms! I am laughing at myself here, it all about me me me again today.

I am fortunate to have enough talent, adequate attributes and qualities and now the experience to run a successful business in this field. I have self compassion to sooth my pains, and I have gratitude for the abundance I recognise around me. I have the guidance of silence and nature. These thing have all helped me along.

I have resolved many inner conflicts I had about money and business success. I was scared of becoming polluted by greed before, of getting attached to anything in the physical world, being led astray from the deeper currents that guide my true direction towards ‘no self’ and non duality.

Now I see that nothing could really prepare me for these new lessons that are occurring as a result of having a more ‘powerful’ position in society. I see how the arrogance and pride can creep in, the lack of gratitude, the feeling of being entitled. I see the part of me that is concerned about what others think of me, how they view me. I see how I want people to see what a success I am. I will get over that, it is just the ego. Another part of me does not care at all of course. I am not at war any more though.

I allow both these aspects of the duality to have space. There is the mature and the immature, the scared and the fearless, the weak and the strong, the brave and the cowardly, the balanced and the emotionally overwhelmed, the calm and the stressed….all of these exist inside and are given permission and space to exist. They exist ‘outside’ too and they are all me. The rapist and the feminist, the champion of the poor and the war mongerer, the executive and the beggar…I have been learning to accommodate all human qualities inside without flinching.

Of course I do still flinch and squirm too but a lot less. I flinch when I see the childish side of me, the immature, and the vain part. I put on some tight clothes and admire my new slimmer figure in the mirror. I notice that I feel better about myself. I notice that part of me which feels shame in response for caring about how I look. I had a thought that I hope a person I was leaving a meeting with recently sees me in my nice car and admires me for having it. I flinch at that. I see the poverty inside me that drove that thought. The wanting approval of others. I feel compassion for myself about that. It is perfectly natural to want to be admired and it is okay. What is more authentic, and more effective is increasing my self approval. It is the lack of that which leads to needing approval from others. I put on a warm huggy cardigan, it feels good, comforting.

I love where this is taking me. I feel extremely vulnerable doing this, and facing everything. It is a dismantling and deconstruction of defences…leading to having no points to defend.

Strong and vulnerable, what a strange combination. I take my attention to the breath, and just sit with this strange combination, this seeming contradiction. I breath some more. I look at the sun shining on the golden leaves of the trees outside. I go and stand on the top step and breath in the autumn air and pause. A space between thoughts to just be.



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