Having a little temperature check. I have noticed that I get a uneasy and anxious when I am happy, and when things are going well. Even though I’ve been experiencing more peace in my life for several years now, when taking my life span so far, it’s not the norm still and what I am used to. Just relaxing. Allowing. Enjoying. Feeling happy. Back to the old Upper Limit Problem.
And this is where I’m being led, to feel safe in this. I don’t feel very safe in it at the moment. The happier I feel the more an impending sense of doom arises. Things are going better than ever and I have to find new ways to reassure myself. It’s not something I can think my way out of, it’s a felt fear of unknown territory. The upper limit I’ve lived with I’ve been pushing through, and part of me wants to go back to what is familiar. Even if that is difficulty, struggle and stress. I’ve been having a few drinks in the evening, which to me is a sign that my anxiety is rising. Often at the end of each day I feel satisfied, at peace, relaxed, happy, and then I feel anxious about that and somehow want to dilute it, block it out or else treat myself for having done so well, a wee drink to finish off the working day. The happiness makes me feel unbalanced, dizzy, unsure, unpredictable, out of control. I don’t know where it will lead. Yes of course I don’t. This is what happens when you pledge yourself to following the Tao, the Force. It’s not my will but thy will, which is my will of course in a higher sense. It’s disorientating too and there are few reference points.
I have very few people around me these days. I suppose it’s a time of settling within quietly. It really makes me face everything being alone so much. Fewer distraction, not being involved in others dramas.
As I have mentioned before I have distanced from most old friends. I’ve recognised more how and why I sabotaged myself the addiction to struggle, the self rejection and self hatred at the root of that, I just don’t want to witness others play that out in their lives any more. It’s too painful to watch and I’ve discovered that you can’t change people. I can give some encouragement from a distance though.
I’m weaning myself off the self hatred by increasing my self compassion. It’s changed my life so much. I surrounded myself with fellow self sabotagers before. Now I’m in a transition zone where old ones have gone and new ones haven’t arrived yet. And I feel very alone at times, and yet I also feel completely connected to everybody too, and tremendous love towards just about everyone. Being alone so much I also have to see and face my predjuces, nasty judgements of others, hatred, jealousy, and I’m easier on myself with this these days. Though on some days it seems I can see all my less savoury qualities all at once and that is hard! It can be all that I see sometimes, a seething mass of weaknesses and faults. I acknowledge that I have most if not every human weakness known! And most strengths too.
I notice I’m still particularly attracted to disfunctional people though, especially men wise. I see how they grab my interest, as I drive around the city, it’s the ones that dress shabby, have long hair that get my attention. It’s amusing to watch my eyes find them.
I can just be, without interpreting. It’s when I flow best, feel in harmony. So where in my life am I just being and it feels safe?
Last night I went for a cycle round the neighbourhood. Just for the fun of it.
When I go to the park and wonder around carefree looking at flowers and insects and shapes
Striking up a conversation with a stranger in a shop
Dancing on my own in the front room
I think I’d like to add to that list.