It gets a whole lot better, and quickly too when you start to really love and care for yourself. I have had to hold onto my hat this ride has been so transformative and the changes so speedy. No longer feeling prone to depriving myself of nourishing, many areas of life have shifted. All my life I have struggled with having enough money for example, but now this is changing, as I ask for what I feel I am worth, which is a lot more than I previously thought I was worth. I know this sounds so very obvious, but when you are stuck in feeling unworthy of your own love, you don’t see how much this is holding the abundance back.
Back then I couldn’t really see that it was me who was depriving myself all along. I had a belief to uphold that I wasn’t worth much, so I undercharged and I sabotaged opportunity, to ensure that life complied and was consistent with my beliefs. This is how we create our own reality, nothing mystical about it.
I also put up with some shitty behaviour from others. I don’t do that any more because I care for myself. So quite a few relationships have fallen away. Talking about loving and caring for myself doesn’t quite feel accurate though. It is more that I no longer exclude myself from the love and care I feel in general. Before I would do more for a neighbour I don’t even know, than I would for myself. I did not feel worthy.
And I was afraid to feel too happy, or too much joy. I really restricted that as I did not want others to maybe compare themselves and feel less than me, or hate me for feeling happy when they weren’t. I understand that this is quite common if you grow up in a less than joyful family, you learn to curb the joy so others don’t feel threatened. And importantly you don’t know how to express it very well when you do feel joy. I am having to learn a new vocabulary for it. And also helping my nervous system along with patience, as it is primed to cope with feelings other than happiness.
I always remember that feeling when I was younger of having some happiness and the terrifying feeling that it would somehow overwhelm me and I would get out of control and act inappropriately with it. So I curbed it. I still am dealing with all these things. I am extremely uncomfortable by the thought of dancing in public. Maybe that will change too!
So nowadays, it is day after day of learning to relax deeply into the folds of caring for myself. Such new territory.