I just don’t feel it much any more! And I have to watch that I don’t believe my mind which judges me as lazy because of it. This feeling of being at peace is relatively new and I am watching to see how I am, how I feel, how I behave with it. It has been a couple of years now that it has been arriving, but the changes this state of calmness has created in my life I am still processing away and feeling the full implications of. It helps having this blog to sound it all out.
I am struggling at times though, albeit in a very calm way, like now. The old Zen saying, ‘Nothing to do, nowhere to go’ applies almost continuously….. I have work tasks to do and I just don’t feel like doing them, just about never. Yet I just find myself doing them, usually when they have to be done, when it is necessary. It’s so odd, and I feel disorientated. I used to be such a busy sociable person, and now I wonder what to do with myself all day long and I cant think of anyone I want to be with. It doesnt feel like I do much, and yet today I have already had a swim, picked up my mum and walked the dog with her in the park, priced a job and sent it, answered emails, did a site visit and talked to that team, talked to the other team, ordered a tool for the guys….it’s now 3pm and I don’t know what I feel like doing. I’m like this a lot. And yet I look at my facebook page and I see that I do tons of interesting things.
I suppose that motivation as a concept has changed for me. I no longer feel driven very much by either fear behind me or desire in front to pull me. I have been reading what Osho had to say about boredom and this helped me a little “Whenever you feel bored you will feel restless. Restlessness is an indication of the body. The body is saying, “Move away from here. Go anywhere”. Compassion for this nervous system that is primed for fight and flight and liked its drama, it now feels as though it is out of a job. I suppose I’m struggling to get used to this sameness, this calmness, and need to remember it has been a whole lifetime of feeling scared and stressed and up and down and all over the place. Now there is nothing to be afraid of, no drama taking my attention…just nothingness. It is what I have been afraid of facing my whole life.
Me and nature and the dog in this present moment. Sound of cars passing, dog breathing slowly, can feel my weight as I sit here, the sensation of the keys on my fingertips. The urge to eat something to fill the space, not hungry though. The urge to go to the park, been there already. Urge to talk to someone, just had a chat with the neighbour. The urge to escape, to what, from what! I think this waking up thing is like a death for the ego.
This was me and the dog yesterday.