I need to keep writing about this as it is still oddly difficult being happy and I wonder why nobody seems to be writing about the challenges of allowing happiness in if you are not used to it? Am I the only one who is going through a process with it? surely not! I suppose it is mainly a new rhythm of living, and a new language, vocabulary….few complaints come from me now. I have nothing to say about some subjects that used to excite me. Barely any interest in any personal gossip, or politics or listening to friends long drawn out stories about their experiences. An interest in social issues yes, and I now have the time and resources to actually do something to help directly. I have given myself the challenge recently of doing acts of good and not telling anyone about them. This is a whole new ballgame for a big approval seeking junkie like me!
How perfect this moment is. Right now I hear the most beautiful piano concerto being played by my neighbour downstairs. She teaches at the Royal Conservatoire, so you can imagine how good she is. It’s a divine sound. The dog is lying peacefully beside me.
I had a gorgeous swim in warm water today first thing (any every day), the whole pool to myself, what an utter treat, and this I get every day nearly. I practised mindfulness as a swam watching the beautiful mesmerising reflections, feeling the water on my skin. Then I came home and put some strawberries, blueberries and a banana with a splash of orange juice into the blender and made a smoothie. This is my breakfast each morning. I then went to see a client and after had a walk along a different river with the dog for a change. Then back here in the car listening to loud Pink Floyd, and some attending to business, paying the men, playing scrabble with strangers online and now eating a light veg and tofu soup I made from scratch. Im making a point here, that its all amazingly great!!!
And it keeps going like this day after day. I no longer rush around and miss my life as I race to the next experience and the next experience. I open the door, and I pause for a minute, observe, smell the air, feel my feelings, my weight on my feet. (I learned this from watching the dog).
I struggle to try and grip onto something, but nothing is there. I feel like I am swimming through life in a random direction that changes randomly. I have no real goals I am working towards. Is that a problem? I don’t know, I don’t think so…other than the sense that i ‘should’ have some goals. Of course I have some…keeping warm, being healthy etc. But no big life goals, nothing I want to achieve.
See the mind finds this tough, it wants traction, resistance to work with, and all I have at the moment is ‘Ahhhhh, lovely….’