Last few weeks I’m seeing some things in myself that the ego considers are definitely not topics to expose publicly, but it’s part of this process to do exactly that. To leave no stone unturned and face absolutely everything inside, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Recently I saw a couple of behaviours and qualities in myself that made me cringe a little bit. The first one is my desire to impress others and the second one is an over developed sense of the territorial.
I left a meeting the other day and as I left I hoped that I was seen by the others getting into my car, and wished for them to be impressed, and consider me to be a successful person. The desire to impress others, to be admired, to be considered important.
So yes I cringed when I noticed and a judgement came along that I was immature. Well I take it as a message that I need to love myself 100%.
The other thing that I’m able to name for the first time is how territorial I can be, wow, and HOW! I can get enraged by people or animals ‘invading’ my space with a number of sounds, like a dog barking. My swim can be disturbed by another person joining me in the pool, and if someone drives to close to me I don’t like it. So that’s been interesting to face and name too.
There seems to be a mechanism by which we are able to face things honestly, and it’s primarily the willingness to come out of denial. As well as the willingness we need to feel safe enough to face it all too. This is where self compassion and kindness towards ourselves creates a soothing cushion for us to withstand the sometimes ugly truths we have been hiding from in ourselves. And lots and lots of patience and a silencing of all self condemnation too. It gets uglier and uglier as we are more prepared to face it all and we need a backbone to take it.
Some time ago I realised that I am not separate from the worst in humanity. The most awful deeds and ugliest qualities I could and do have even in some vestigial form. If circumstances in my life had been a little different, then maybe I would have been a nasty bully to my annoying younger sister, maybe I could have punched that driver in a rage, maybe I would have said yes to the offer of heroin as a teenager instead of no, maybe I would have beat my kid when I lost my temper.
I feel that was all possible, and I don’t feel any holier that those that do these things. ‘Karma is the conditions of the choice’ I once read, and I was fortunate in my conditions. I know a guy who was sexually abused by the local church elders as a kid and when offered heroin as a teen said yes. I know another guy who was beaten and also neglected as a child and beat his own child. These people had conditions which led to their choices. Yes they still made choices, but let’s temper the judgement somewhat with understanding and compassion.