I have noticed that it takes the smallest shift in perception and everything looks and feels a whole lot different. It is like magic – one minute the world and life seems dark, the next a door opens and light streams back in.
As I went out the door today I decided to slow right down and experience the fullness of my first breath of fresh morning air in the sunshine, to walk down the steps slowly and notice the shadows of the trees, the birdsong, how the steps feel under my feet. Simple things to do and available all the time. Back to the present, over and over and over.
I have been in a suffering state the last week or so, many emotions and thoughts were triggered by the death of an old boyfriend which had an unexpectedly strong effect on me. Pain. I was in a dark lonely place at times, where life felt unfriendly, unsupportive, and where my thoughts attacked me, and I felt shame, regret, guilt, love, longing, attachment, sadness and anger all surging and dominating my waking hours for days. I was aware of being in it, and decided to allow myself just to go through the process of bereavement. I wondered if I was indulging. I don’t know if I was, it doesn’t really matter, I just went with it. I also felt strangely reunited with him in love too, I allowed myself to love him fully again, something that wasn’t possible for so many years as I was scared of him and my feelings for him.
As I swam this morning I stayed present, using my bodily sensations and breath to keep me grounded. I felt the temperature on my skin, the water sensations, the smells of the pool, the sounds of the swishing, the resistance of the water on my arms and legs. I noticed the visuals of light reflecting, the colours and patterns.
Today I feel back again in my own skin, no longer hijacked by strong surges of emotion and thoughts. I am in touch with the space that I am again. A past relationship was revisited and it must have been necessary to go through it and to remember, recapitulate and process it though. This was difficult at times, and at one point I lost sight of self compassion and the intensity became a nail biting session which left my fingers sore. I then felt compassion!
I don’t feel like doing much these days, or seeking out company or even working much, not very motivated and I am allowing this. I am playing a lot of scrabble online, and binge watching shows. It seems like it is taking time out for the processes to take place inside.
I am also grateful I have the freedom to pick and choose and go with the flow. I am curious if this lack of motivation to work is a sneaky upper limit problem manifesting as self sabotage. It could very well be and perhaps I need to just push through the lack of motivation and work anyway.
I am watching strong responses to the new abundance gradually entering my life, and I now have a bit of money saved in the bank for the first time in over 10 years. I have rejected the whole idea of ‘financial security’ all my life, believing that any kind of seeking of security financial and otherwise in life is a dead end road as there is no such thing. I made the decision as a teenager that I was going to befriend insecurity instead.
But how much of that decision was made to perpetuate my troubled state and came from the conditioning that my life would always be difficult and full of turmoil and I was not ‘allowed’ more ease, harmony and love. I don’t know, and now I am starting to find out.
I am feeling really pleased with myself for the business doing well and money starting to accumulate, and how I am effortlessly managing the huge amount of work coming our way and our 10 staff! I have 20+ clients too, and both my teams are booked up till September nearly. I am seeing more clients each week too. Little me is doing all this! How can this be so! Its amazing to me that it is working out. It is no longer the stressful struggle full of worry and angst it has been for the last 10 years. I am giving myself permission to succeed in life in every way and this includes the conventional financial sense. Maybe I need to do a whole self congratulatory post on how pleased I am with myself!
It’s a new space completely, and I feel very alone in it at the moment and yet fully get that this is necessary too
Learning to Rest with it All 