I have been feeling a lot of varied emotions and energy levels the last few days and I am just riding it through and letting it all happen. There is nothing else to do than give myself permission to experience it all. One day I’m motivated and busy, the next I’m taking a nap on the couch. There has been a lot of joy emerging naturally for no particular reason and I am finding myself singing out loud in the car and even dancing wildly in the living room (much to the dog’s amusement!). There is a lovely freedom in having one’s child leave the nest- you can do what you want and it doesn’t embarrass anyone.
I am experiencing some sadness too about the death of that ex boyfriend from decades ago. I didn’t miss the funeral after all, I was feeling sad that I had, but now I’m going to go and say a goodbye. A mutual friend called me and we stayed on the phone for 3 hours reminiscing, visited another last night and was in tears, not sure what for. It seems I needed to recapitulate and relive some of those experiences. Yes, his behaviour was awful at times, but I never stopped loving the person underneath all the drama. I had to eventually remove myself from him but I always had a little precious corner in my heart kept for him where I would send him well wishes and imagine his life getting better. It didn’t get better though, and he died a slow death due to alcohol abuse. I found myself driving past his house a few weeks ago, just to be nearby him and send him love. At the time I didn’t know he was so ill.
It’s a mixed bag this life, ups and downs and ins and outs, and we can feel it all and yet still remain aware of the still part inside. To feel it all and be still too, there is an intensity to letting life take you in this way, an honesty and stability.