Doing some work on Self Sabotage

This week I have been right in it and now it is time to gather up the beliefs that have held me in a place for so long, beliefs that come from the past and have created an ‘upper limit problem’.

I am not even quite out of my money troubles yet (still have £10k to give to HMRC which will take all available resources over the next couple of weeks) but even just the clearer view I have ahead of thriving and flourishing is enough to bring on an onslaught of fear. Well paid work is confirmed for both teams till May and I can see that it will ease off the money difficulties to a considerable degree. I am even starting to save.

When you come from an upbringing which is full of conflict and drama and you did not receive much love or given much confidence then doing well, shining brightly and thriving is a weird and scary prospect.

The fears have manifested this week with fatigue and exhaustion. I have found myself incapacitated by it, and unable or unwilling to even reply to new enquiries from clients which I then feel angst about. Found a sneaky way to bring some drama and strife and guilt in! The ego identity must shaken by the mere thought of not struggling in a state of strife and worry. As I write this I feel some shame and embarrassment wash over me. The thoughts say ‘How pathetic!’. Self compassion is always here to the rescue and soothing myself here as I write.

I have pinpointed a few beliefs behind this addiction to struggle and aversion to being happy and thriving materially and really looking after myself.

1. Not wanting to ‘outshine’ anyone around me and them then perhaps feeling hostile towards me though envy or jealousy. Perhaps attracting criticism from others. For example, ‘How can she be so happy and content when so much is wrong with the world and when so many are in agony and poverty?’. I am increasingly feeling separate from old friends for this reason. And will I have to deal with guilt of my own for thriving shining and doing well?
2. Fear of feeling separate from others who are less happy or more poor than me. Its part of a ‘we are all in this mess together’ type of humanity huddling together and I get to feel a sense of ‘belonging’ if I am also struggling. Of course with more resources I can do more to relieve the suffering of others, and already have started doing that and it feels great to be participating in solutions.
3. Aversion to looking after myself and lovingly tending to my own needs. This includes things I have always looked down upon as weak such as needing or enjoying financial security. In the past I found it difficult to do even basic things for myself like give myself the joy of crisp clean sheets regularly. Now I enjoy looking after myself in that and other small ways like eating healthily, swimming in the morning, and my afternoon walks in nature. Time to go even further with this now that I truly love myself, and I am excited to see how this will manifest itself.
4. There’s a fear of having to become more private – amid the exhilaration and excitement of shining and doing well and getting out of poverty and not being able to relieve the excitement by talking about my successes. I have to accept curtailing the habitual openness and honesty in expressing myself. I fear that it will sound like boasting rather than the innocent wish to share my thrill of a new era of adventure into new territory. Being more private has a mature feel about it too, which is scary and also increasingly attractive.
5. Sympathy There is a belief that you get a more positive response from others, their sympathy at least, when you are telling them your sob story of struggles, about how you have done it all ‘right’ and yet reality/tax authorities/weather, anything out of your control conspires against you to turn things bad. Identification with the ‘heroic’ struggle against all odds.
6. What will I do with the money I make? Will I be unwise with it and regret what I do?Will I feel guilty and be overgenerous as a result?  How will it effect my life to have money to do what I want? Will it make me an egoist and feel superior? Doubts about trusting myself to be addressed as I go.

Gosh, that is a lot isn’t it. Much of this can be taken care of by removing myself from the direct influence of old relationships and the social constraints and accepting being alone for the time being. And dealing with the beliefs and fears as they arise which I am definitely doing.