I am asking this question because I can feel some self doubt tugging and trying to muscle its way into my otherwise perfectly relaxed morning. The voice of doubt tells me I could work harder and achieve more. I hear that voice and yet today I just haven’t felt like doing any work at all, not designing or pricing work or answering emails or even the phone.
The doubt is an inevitable part of me hitting my ‘upper limit’ and gradually revolutionising how I operate in the world. With less fear and worry than ever before its a massive big space in front of me every day. There is also less energy available as I get older for fear driven actions. So less forcing of motivation or attempts at discipline or needing to do something productive to feel good about myself. Instead I have been allowing my behaviour to take whatever route it wants. The romantic in me likes to think of it as following ‘The Force’. I ask myself ‘is there energy for this right now?’ Yes or no. Simple. The voice of doubt just calls it lazy. And yet the work gets done and there are things that must be done. The dishes get done, the dog fed and walked, kitchen sink cleaned, clothes washed, food cooked, car washed, shopping fetched, employees supervised, clients visited, drawings printed and delivered. Its just that there are very few ‘shoulds’ now and all of these things are pretty much done when I want to do them. And the peculiar thing to me is that things get done, and 95% of what needs done happens perfectly ‘on time’. All those years I spent on a state of angst and urgency in a cacophony of shoulds and shouldn’ts. Maybe confidence is the saving grace of getting older.
I keep this pretty quiet, and it is not something that I talk about with people. My world of freedom and inner peace is lived more and more privately as I find I share fewer of the concerns of my friends and family. I do not wish to share their beliefs or their interpretation of experience or be drawn into conversations that reveal that I don’t share these things.
One of the biggest impediments that I have found is the constraints of social expectation from friends and family. I have discussed this before, and I am seeing it clearly recently. I challenged a friend on a long held belief that she also applied to me. It felt amazing to put the record straight and be true to myself, but it inevitably created a little distance with her.
A storm is raging outside just now, a continuous downpour of rain and I am cosy in my solitude. Going to play Scrabble.