The thought of life being wonderful, and me being happy and flourishing is pretty scary to me.
Coming from a family of origin where strife and drama were the norm makes for a certain amount of imprinting on the nervous system and on ones expectations and goals. Without realising it, I have attracted struggle and difficulty. Perversely, it feels safe because it is familiar.
I have chosen partners unconsciously who bring pain and suffering, associated with friends who let me down, and made decisions that bring danger.
Once this history is faced and seen it becomes just a story of the past that can be dissolved and no longer an unconscious driving force. It has taken me a long time to allow a different way of living, and here are some of the supports that I have put in place.
- Clear out the dead wood. I am having to deconstruct my life in all sorts of ways and I have voluntarily exploded my social life. The familiar people I was surrounded by, especially dear old friends and family are unwitting co-conspirators in this unconscious dance and without realising it, they help to keep old patterns in place. Often they have the same patterns themselves and we all keep each other stuck in unconscious roles. When one breaks a familiar pattern it makes both parties feel uneasy. For me, a temporary break at least is required from people who keep the old story going. I manage this by being there as much as possible for them, and I keep my distance. Minimal social interactions and a social life online is the result at the moment. Socialising with strangers is also quite fun too, no history and fewer expectations.
- Spend time alone. As I start to wriggle free from a state of anxiety ridden hyper alertness to danger into greater relaxation in the present, I spend more time alone. Here alone I am seeing that it is safe to flourish, to be at ease and in comfort and joy. I can see more and more that nothing bad is going to happen as a result. This alone time is spent reading and listening to encouraging pattern breaking material by people who have realised they are free. I allow myself greater freedom from ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldnts’ whatever I want to do with no outside influences. So I lie down and rest when I want, I work when I want, I go for walks in nature when the impulse takes me.
- Be in natural surroundings. The nature walks need an entry of their own due to their importance. The inner soothing gained by being surrounded by natural beauty is enormous for me. It takes my focus away from the personal and into the transpersonal. The beauty fills me with awe and a feeling of connection with everything and inner expansiveness as a result. I linger there as much as I can and interact creatively by taking photos.
- Self compassion. I consciously remember to be kind to myself when I am suffering. Even a toothache or a tummy ache – ‘awww I am feeling sore, compassion for me’, and I may even find myself giving myself a little reassuring rub on the arm or even a hug. It is not self indulgent feeling sorry for myself as I might have once thought. It is just stopping to allow compassion to arise the same way I would when witnessing suffering in any living being. Its a beautiful experience that is unfolding and it allows me to go through painful experiencing with less clenched up resistance to the pain. I know I can handle it with self compassion accompanying me.
- Vigilance. Yes very important to watch my inner responses, especially in social interactions when things can happen so fast. For example in meetings with clients to finalise a project price – in the past I found myself often discounting the price without reducing the work to be done. The result was a financial situation that caused me stress, struggle and strife. Now I do not do that. I watch the discounting urge come and go. I am aware of that urge and I understand the motive that I want to be generous, I want to be liked, I want to get the job. Now I get the job or I dont, but at a price that is good for me and the men and the business and no less. If they want a lower price then we remove items from the project.
- Gratitude. Regular giving thanks for the abundance that is around and inside me. Life is going really well and I am seeing that it is okay to be relaxed with that. I have good health, I am much calmer inside, I have a job that allows me to express my creativity, I love myself more than ever before, I live in a beautiful house with lovely views out of every window, I have a son who is doing so well, I have a dog who is the embodiment of love and a business that is starting to thrive. Thanks to everyone and everything that made this possible including myself.