It has been interesting and daunting learning to live with myself in this new kinder way. I had a bath earlier and got to be with my naked body for a while. Often in the past that could trigger a rush of painful judgements. This time I was more generous to the cuddly folds of plumpness. It was fun to be without self condemnation, and with less self reflection. To encounter the experience directly and touch it without the mental commentary. That mental noise always seems to separate me from directly being in an experience, it’s like a web all around me preventing raw direct experience. I cherish this new way of experiencing without self reflection. It’s as if the very idea of ‘me-ness’ disappears, there is just the experiencing. The beliefs and opinions take a back seat and a freedom opens, and restriction on what I allow myself, in terms of joy and abundance dissipates.
I can now probably for the first time, allow the idea of a happy life. Got a tinge of fear writing that. I’m gently breaking out of the belief that I have to protect myself from disappointment, from being hurt, from trusting. It’s beautiful the feeling of it.
I’d like to share a poem that is dear to me, by T.S. Eliot. I have it on in the background while I work sometimes and different lines jump out loaded with beauty and insight. It is read by Jeremy Irons the actor.