My mind is having a big inner rant

It’s a family member, arggghhhhhh. Nothing like families to press your buttons. Who was it that said if you think you are enlightened, go and live with your family of origin for a week?!

My previously gentle good-humoured younger sister has decided she doesn’t want a relationship with me. It’s mostly very old resentments and some rude things I said over 25 years ago that have taken on significance for her recently.

She wrote a sharp accusing email, with many inaccuracies, and a theme of ‘Im good, you are bad’ throughout. My ego has been having a riot with that, and my mind has been having a field day of ranting and rehearsing conversations and replies to her, combative, defensive, competitive stuff. I wake up and remember some detail of the letter and feel offended, and attack back in these inner conversations.

I try to point out HER weaknesses, her mistakes, my goodness, my innocence. Of course we cannot buy our innocence at the expense of another’s guilt. We are all innocent in our motives, even if we can behave like assholes at times. Everything is an expression of love or a request for love. From A Course of Miracles I think.

The situation looks a whole lot different when I tune into the stillness, and a bigger perspective emerges. Insight arises all by itself. I see how the only place she could find as a child to occupy in my family was that of a timid wee mouse, silent, perfectionist and forever the peacemaker, ignoring her own feelings and needs in a hostile family environment with 2 battling alpha females (my mum and me).

So it took a long time to find her power, and recently this search has manifested in the bullied, ignored and sidelined becoming the antagonist. I feel for her suffering and support her journey. It is not to be taken personally, my inner voice whispers, nothing is. We are all doing the best we can. Not even any need for forgiveness in the light of that. No blame taking or giving required.

I breath in and out and few times consciously, and I am for a few seconds free from the grip of the drama in my mind, and back into my body in the present. What is real right now? I am safe, I am warm, I am supported by this little business. There is a beautiful view of fresh snow outside, my lovely dog is lying peacefully beside me, my son asleep in the next room.

I do not feel afraid in this moment, the moment of completely spacious awareness between thoughts. The thoughts come and they go, and come and go, random, unpredictable, presenting interpretations that are not real, just possible descriptions of the many possible.

1 Comment

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your sister. This must be tough for you.

    It really seems like you have planned a lot difficult life lessons which give you plenty of incentive to look for that place of inner peace.

    Great to read how you manage to turn inside over and over again!


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